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GRIEVING FOR MY CHILDLESS LIFE



We're not sitting on Lilley's magic seat but at an equally mystical, magical place called Bag Enderby, near Somersby in the Lincolnshire Wolds. Very close to the birthplace of Lord Alfred Tennyson.



We're despairing at justmeandlilleyTowers. We're sociable, we don't scare the horses and you can take us anywhere.

But one of us is childless and ageing ( I suppose - being factual - both of us are). No family, no kids. I guess that means one of us is 'odd' then? Wave goodbye to a decent social life. To be fair, I suppose it depends on folks' different interpretations on 'social life'. Thank goodness most are not hindered by my interpretations

I don't mind being called 'odd' most of the time. Although one tries ones best to fit in and most of the time one does, it seems like family has taken over completely. In spite of all the talk we childless are too easily sidelined.

It's a funny thing but the childfree deal with the no family/ no children hand much better than the childless. There's a fairly obvious conclusion to be drawn from that. They never wanted kids.


But for the rest of us who desperately wanted a family I've found myself close to grieving all over again. As I've aged, am ageing.


A footpath at Salmonby, Tetford, Lincolnshire Wolds and very close to our 'horsey' field where my mythical Bally lives.

The answer may be an obvious one - I'm older, closer to death - all 'children' avenues now closed. But I'm so, so sad at the loss of the potentials. The things that many of we childless dismissed in younger days (and I certainly did) because 'celebrate good times' was on the menu. Not a tad thing wrong with that. We all deal with bad stuff in our own ways. But as we age so do life's menu choices. Mine have narrowed to me and a dog. Yes madam, it probably is my fault, thank you.


But it isn't and wasn't my 'fault' I have no siblings, no close family. And others do. When you're working or not suffering friends' pre-grandkid birthings you should be safe enough. Hit those two turkeys and say hello to solo living.

So then you step forward onto the social-group arena. Some last the course, some don't. I didn't as you will have gathered. And it wasn't for the want of trying. Trying to settle into that more mature, sensible way of living began to feel like a tight cord. All roads lead to good and holy lifestyles. And I will accept I'm the wrong'un here. Although, it has to be said, my lifestyle choices are good (not so sure about the holy, more holey probably).



Look here, we don't want a land of we oldies stumbling about the place. Families are needed. Isn't it concerning that so many young women are already opting out of having children? Am I the only one who finds that extraordinary? I wanted babies more than anything as did my peers. What on earth has happened? It's their choice to make of course it is. But, you do realise if hardly any new babies are being born (in this country I mean) we're effed. I don't want a land full of oldies.


When you reach my sort of age you know you've had it - with the baby, children stuff. If, like me, you have no family who produce the occasional babe to go cuddle, you will never hold another baby in your arms again. Personally, sticking my great neck out as per, I think I'm fairly normal regarding baby cuddling. There are some who hate babies but - well - you are a bit unusual tbh.


I will never hold or cuddle another baby ever again. I've not held or cuddled a baby for a very long time. At least at work you got the chance of fellow workers, friends, ex hubby's family kids, even my late partner's family and their offspring. Then social life. Now nothing. I have no family.


A lonely wander along Langton by Spislby footpath. A walk I used to take regularly with my other two little dogs. It was thought provoking for many reasons - so far untold.


So yes, I am grieving for lost babies, grandchildren. Things I've never had and never will.

One doesn't ever want to feel sorry for oneself. Not with so much horror going on around the globe.

But am I the only one who looked at the delightful photo of our late Queen Elizabeth ll on the news and In the media. The one with her youngster relations falling all over her lap. Can you imagine what that must be like? I bet she and Prince P went 'not another one' as yet the addional tiny cherub was born to the royal coterie.

Must I be pilloried for asking - why me? Or - why was that (not 'being Queen' obviously) not me? Why did that chance pass me by? All ones little relations tumbling over ones lap.

What I have noticed is a lot of older people without children are like myself - no siblings, no family. But so very often they will declare as most definitely childfree. Absolutely never wanted babies.


Well, I did. It seems to be scorned upon to admit to nowadays.


I wanted children, babies and I miss not having them terribly in my older years.


Yes, I grieve for something I never had and will never know. Quite a big thing - babies, children. Not a new Audi or a world cruise is it? Please don't write in and say you'd rather it had been. That'd be silly.


So there we are … I grieve for the one thing I couldn't have and will never know.





Lilley, of course, is my support system and my surrogate 'child' as all of my animals have been (and, to be honest, not a few, former partners - ha ha!).

Taking of which - Lilley hasn't 'spoken' for quite a while. It's time she did. I'll have a word...











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